Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
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You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*