Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
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#MeanwhileInCanada
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*