@dumbbeezie: I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
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@stephenjmolloy: Ian: "I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car." Tim: "You did what?!" Ian: "Baked you a pie."
@HaleyMDriscoll: My boyfriend said we could only get one cat. So I'm only getting one cat. One pregnant cat.
@Amusitr0n: grandmas are always like "not enough meat on your bones" the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
@iscoff: "Did you hire a wedding photographer?" Sure did! *a dog with a gopro strapped to its head runs by*