I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
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I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I wish this was real life…
just left a huge legacy in there
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Employees must applaud the planets.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Acronyms got me like WTF?
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.