I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
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For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.