I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
You Might Also Like
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”