i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
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Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Optional boss fight.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.