I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
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My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Guantanamo Bae
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.