I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
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A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Van Gone
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.