I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
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I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*