I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
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*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
bears
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.