I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
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Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Eggs benadryl my favourite
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.