3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
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Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
We’ve come full circle
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.