@vanluvz1: I love the gym this time of year.
The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
@TheCatWhisprer: *opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
M: "I'm freezing."
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: "I'm hot, get off me."
@KyleMcDowell86: Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
"I haven't taken my meds in weeks"
@sadmonsters: Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
@lovemyboots111: Ladies, if your man says he'll fix it, he will. There's no reason to remind him every 6 months.