I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
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Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.