I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
You Might Also Like
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu