I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
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I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Good morning, Twitter x
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.