I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
You Might Also Like
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
can’t bark with your mouth full
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….