@TheEllenShow: I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
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@jtswhipped: I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said "Classy" and my brain leaked out of my ear.
@LizHackett: "What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?" -- inventor of Autocorrect
@gengen874: Went on a date once. He ordered for me, "She'll have a small side salad." I said, "Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato."