@TheEllenShow: I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@GrowlyGrego: *breaks into your house at night* *finds your bedroom* *blows on you til you wake up* HI I'M CHET CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A SECURITY SYSTEM?
@Brianhopecomedy: My 2 year old wanted to race me home from daycare and I am TOTALLY winning. I don't even see her tricycle in my rear-view mirror.
@platinum2000: You don't have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. "No, I was waving at my friend."
@pizza_dragon: "I'm so pissed I could punch a ba-" "A what?" Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand. "A bagel. I HATE carbs."