@TheEllenShow: I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
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@abbycohenwl: [marriage counseling] Wife: I just wish he wasn't so clingy Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
@deardilettante: How's it going? "I'm so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now" You're supposed to say 'fine' & ask how I am. Bye.
@SexySillyGrl: Your honor, I second that motion Judge: Ma'am, I'm simply reading your husband's request to be cremated
@LeBearGirdle: Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch? NASA: have you ever built a space ship? Reporter: well no bu- NASA: it's really hard