I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
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I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
lmao
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Had an epiphany today.