Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
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you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
When you’ve simply given up.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics