I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
You Might Also Like
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.