I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
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Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
My wedding will be open casket.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia