I love the smell of relapse in the morning
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It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
went fishing caught a bass
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I’m listening
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now