I love the smell of relapse in the morning
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BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Single and childfree like Jesus
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.