Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
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cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.