@BruceForce: I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they're hatching some kind of evil plan.
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@MorganJ7: I don't friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we're dating.
@omgthatspunny: Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
@stevezorz: Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.