@usermcuserface: I love them whole heartedly. I love it when they play with me, and I eat their table scraps. I am essentially my kids dog.
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@iwearaonesie: wife: Did you leave a good tip? [flashback to me writing "Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic" on the check] me: Yep
@VeganZebra: [after putting a fake mustache on an elephant] FRIEND: You seen my elephant? ME: no FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has