maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
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Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006