court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
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STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot