I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
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[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?