@meganamram: I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
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@Try2StopME: Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
@mrnickharvey: Son: What are caterpillars afraid of? Me: It's unlikely that they experience fear. They're not self-aware, so... Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
@The_Grant_Boldt: *at Starbucks* "Ya I'll have the medium roast please" *Barista insults him a lot but not too much*
@SteveDutzy: I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.