@meganamram: I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
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@roostermustache: Me: i'll have a beer Bartender: ok it's on the house buddy Me:*grabbing him by collar* then get it down, i'm not climbing up there again
@JRehling: So, Noah found two polar bears in the Mideast? And after the flood, he took them back to Canada? That sounds plausible. #GodScience
@mortimermaiden: Doctor: I'm afraid we've lost him. Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches! Doctor: It's just a figure of speech, ma'am, he's right here in the morgue.
@bad_as_you_want: Found my 16yr old daughters Twitter today, made her deactivate it...after I copied all of her best material to my draft folder of course