I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
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“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.