“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
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Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.