“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
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*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.