Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
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The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha