Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
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Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.