I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
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[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
crochet youtube is brutal
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.