I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
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WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
pls suprot
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I鈥檓 like wow there are people who make their bed
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
When you want your ball, but you don鈥檛 want to get wet
馃幘馃挧馃挦
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls鈥擨 wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
*limbos away from your hug*
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!