I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
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Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.