@Discourt: I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
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@KevinBuffalo: When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist. Which is too bad. Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
@LoveNLunchmeat: If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don't even need to write "No DMs" in your bio.
@peachesanscream: Doctor: "You have a blockage in your small & large intestine" Barista: … Barista: … Doctor: *Sigh* "Ok, Tall & Venti intestine."