I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
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My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box