I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
You Might Also Like
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.