I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
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Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
*puts cutlery down*
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Why are bridges so flammable.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.