I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
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Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time