*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
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Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.