my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
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My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*