Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
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Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…