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Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?