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OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.