I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
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[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me: