Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
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Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
When I snag the last meatball.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,