💻🤡
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Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
very niche meme I made
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
NASA has no chill
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.