I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
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Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]