I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
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me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
me opening up to someone
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.