@prettysadmostly: I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the--nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
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@MuttCutts: "Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?" Oh. Yea. Good thinkin'. Can't be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
@WittySassBasket: Cop: raise your hands Me: ok, but if you looked down you'd see the same thing C: ma'am? M: they're right there C: how high are you? M: yes
@thepunningman: Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
@topaz_kell: "Your bathroom has better lighting for selfies" wasn't a good enough excuse for my surprised neighbor getting out of the shower. So uptight.